June 8, 2006

Turning Two Households Into One

By Kit Davey
Content That Works
He likes brown plaids; she likes pink floral prints. He loves his velour recliner; she gags at the sight of it. She crowds every surface with herds of knick-knacks; he wants a clutter-free home.
How can a couple with distinct tastes, differing needs for territory and diverse levels of tolerance for clutter create a home together that respects each other’s personal style?
Before you plunge ahead, here are the key things to keep in mind for a peaceful transition when a couple decides to share space:
• Your home is more than a house. It is an expression of your self and a symbol full of deep meaning. When our decorating style is criticized, or we have to give up space, our emotional reactions can be surprisingly strong. Expect feelings to come to the surface in the planning and move-in stages. Be kind to yourself and understanding of your partner.
• Your taste is not better than your partner’s, just different. A condescending attitude will only cause problems. Be empathetic to your partner’s emotional attachment to objects that have no meaning to you.
• Both of you will have to give up some possessions (yes, you too!). When two adults with fully furnished households move in together there will be duplicates, mismatches and insufficient storage. Gear yourself up to surrender some of your possessions. Do not expect your partner to make all the sacrifices.
• Your need for control of territory will be different from your partner’s, so use these preferences to reach a compromise. Some men want exclusive control of a dresser top, half the bathroom vanity and a comfortable chair, but they don’t care what happens in the rest of the house. Some women require exclusive control of the kitchen, master bedroom and living room, but are more flexible about other areas. Map out the zones which you consider to belong exclusively to you or in which you have a strong need for control, those areas in which want moderate control and those spaces you feel comfortable sharing or relinquishing. When you bring your understanding of these unspoken territories from the unconscious to the conscious level you will be better equipped to avoid conflict and to meet both your emotional needs.
• The partner moving in to his or her partner’s established space is at a disadvantage. The one moving in can be made to feel like an intruder. Partners must take special care to empathize with the position of the other. The space may never feel completely shared unless the partner moving in is given, or claims, sufficient territory.
Here’s what can you do to make your move as comfortable as possible:
• Walk through your future home together and get a feel for the space, sharing ideas about how you might fit in various furnishings. Agree beforehand that you are in the brainstorming phase and all ideas are to be considered, but no decisions made yet.
• Create a floor plan of the house. Since you have both determined your exclusive and willing-to-share spaces, begin brainstorming how the space can be used. Be creative; come up with as many options as possible. Play with the options over a period of days until you come up with a tentative plan, reassuring each other that things can be moved around at any time.
• Determine responsibility for various rooms and zones. Some couples decide to claim the space room by room: he agrees to let her to decorate the bedroom if he can do whatever he wants in the den. They may also decide to decorate certain rooms together in the future.
Alternatively, he may want a small zone in each room and agrees to let his partner have free reign in the rest of the room. In rare cases one partner might release complete control of the entire house if he or she gets control in some other aspect of the relationship, such as finances, entertaining or travel.
• If you get stuck, you may want to hire an interior designer who specializes in space planning. An objective third party may come up with creative ideas you hadn’t considered.
• Before packing up to move, go through all your possessions and get rid of as much as possible. It will make packing easier and you’ll move less stuff.
• As your move-in date nears, buy something together for your home. Your first purchase can be the beginning of building a home together.
© Content That Works
Kit Davey, an interior designer based in Redwood City, Calif., helps clients redecorate their homes through the creative use of their existing furnishings. E-mail Kit your questions at kit@contentthatworks.com.